Armed Forces RFP: Desparately Seeking Celebrity Band

Government Requests for Proposals are not typically fun reads, but this one caught my eye. In perhaps the most bizarre RFP I have ever read (linked here), it seems that our federal government, specifically, our armed forces, seeks a rock band . . . but not just any rock band--

According to the RFP's strict guidelines, this rock band must be a Professional Celebrity Rock Music Band.

Well, I know a little about rock and roll. Civic duty calling, I must offer my help:

**Professional Celebrity Rock Music Band**

Ok. The Police, or

The Polyphonic Spree, or

Radiohead, or

The Cars, or

Wilco, or

The Who, or

Calexico

**Group not to exceed seven people**

Damn.

The Police, or

The Polyphonic Spree, or

Radiohead, or

The Cars, or

Wilco, or

The Who, or

Calexico

**Active Rock Band**

Oh. OK.

The Police, or

Polyphonic Spree, or

Radiohead, or

The Cars, or

Wilco, or

The Who, or

Calexico

**Music Genre consisting of Southern Rock, Pop Rock, Post-Grunge, and Hard Rock**

Crap. Seriously? Um . . . Radiohead fronted by Donnie Van Zandt of 38 special and Eddie Vedder, calling themselves “38 Pearlhead”

or

Wilco, fronted by Dave Grohl, calling themselves “Fooco.”

**Protective equipment, such as kevlar, body armour, eye and ear protection will be provided when the group is travelling on military rotary or fixed wing aircraft.**

Hmmmm . . .

Phil Spector with 38 Pearlhead

or

Ted Nugent and Fooco.

**Factor 4, Celebrity Status of the Proposed Artists. The government will evaluate offeror’s submitted documents . . . to identify the “professional celebrity” status of at least one member of the group.**

CRAP!

Ted Nugent and Fooco, with my neighbor Steve, the Guitar Hero champion of my block.

Oh, wait: **Evaulation system for Factor 4:

Poor: The Proposed Group does not contain at least one celebrity member.

Adequate: The Proposed Group contains at least one member who may be recognizable within a certain metropolitan community, although not nationally and internationally.**

OK, Ted Nugent and Fooco, fronted by Rudy Guilianai.

**Excellent: The Proposed Group contains at least one member who is a recognizable celebrity nationally or internationally**

Ok, got it: Phil Everly and Yoko Ono Calling Themselves the Beach Boys with the Remaining Ramones and Stewart Copeland, fronted by the Lovechild of Mitt Romney and Dr. Phil, calling themselves, “King Crimson.”

Well, that was easy. Take that, Bin Laden.